I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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