They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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