I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
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Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize