I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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