The maid of honor just puked.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
