Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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