how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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