I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
