I accidentally burped into my bong.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
