Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
