I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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