lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
