When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
