the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
