I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
