got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Randomize
