I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
