Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
