I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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