Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
