Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
