The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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