did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
