I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
