The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
