1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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