Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
