my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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