someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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