I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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