i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
