I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
