On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
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