Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
