if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
