You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
