She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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