Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
