She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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