he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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