I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i believe in u and ur pee
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
