dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
