Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
