Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
