When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
