So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
