So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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