There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
