i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
