When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
