I just pynch a tree in the face
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
