Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
