Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
