The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
