she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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